It is interesting how we as humans choose to define our lives. Generally speaking, we choose to define ourselves by something outside ourselves – our job, our family, our status or phase of life, our perceived beauty, even our trials and struggles. This deeply troubles me, especially since any of it could be gone in a second. It troubles me and pains me to see beautiful people, particularly women, view themselves in terms of society and the way they “should look” and dismiss the beauty that radiates from every facet of their life. It hurts to see a job or career or money consume others at the expense of everything else. And yet, here I stand guilty of the very thing I hate.
As many of you know, I am changing careers. Stepping out…no really jumping out of my comfort zone and placing myself and my family firmly in the unknown. This is something that has taken a great deal of courage on my part and terrifies me. Other are thrilled for me, and honestly, I am extremely excited. I have been at peace with my decision for months, and now, a week and a half from quitting my job, I am consumed with doubt and fear for what this decision will actually mean. Fear has been a paralyzing emotion for me all of my life. There are many things I wish I had chosen to do, but fear has always stopped me. Now, here I am facing a life changing decision and once again feel frozen by the fear of the unknown. The funny thing about fear is that it makes you feel so alone. Even when you have many offering support, you feel abandoned and alone.
For the past 6 years, I have defined myself by my work. I have worked with college students and been everything from their advisor (both professionally, life and school) to their big sister who kicks them in their tail when they need it to their mom who wakes them up in the morning and makes them go to class when they studied in the office all night to their friend who has shared in their joys and their sorrows. I have felt my life going in a different direction for a long time, but walking away from this is much harder than I ever dreamed it would be. It is who I have been for 6 years.
Where do I go from here? What do the next few years hold? How will I choose to define myself as I move forward?
Lord, please give me the strength to follow through with this and walk in the path I feel you have laid out for me. Give Philip and me the wisdom to make wise decisions that will grow our family and continue us in the path you have laid out for us. Give me the courage to overcome my fears and define myself as Your child whom you love. And Lord, please do not let me pass my irrational fears on to my daughter. I pray that she becomes an independent, confident woman who loves You, follows your guidance and defines herself by Your standards, not the world's.
I am Philip's wife, Belle’s mommy, an Accredited Financial Counselor, a future teacher, but above all else, I am a daughter of the King.
